The Good, The Bad, and The Sh*t No One Else Knows..

When sorrows come, they come not single spies, But in batallions....." -- Hamlet, William Shakespeare

I'm still in a poetry mood i guess.. so here goes one that's less gloomy.. and certainly more moving and personally uplifting..


The Life That I Have

The life that I have
Is all that I have
And the life that I have
Is yours

The love that I have
Of the life that I have
Is yours and yours and yours.

A sleep I shall have
A rest I shall have
Yet death will be but a pause
For the peace of my years
In the long green grass
Will be yours and yours and yours.

Leo Marks

and you can find it here http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/the-life-that-i-have/

I was just in one of my moods and decided to post the poetry most reflective of my moods:

Villanelle

Time will say nothing but I told you so,
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

There are no fortunes to be told, although,
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I could tell you I would let you know.

The winds must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reasons why the leaves decay;
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

Suppose the lions all get up and go,
And all the brooks and soldiers run away?
Will time say nothing but I told you so?
If I could tell you I would let you know.

-- W. H. Auden

You can find this poem here: http://www.cs.rice.edu/~ssiyer/minstrels/poems/677.html along with a great analysis of it.

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

-- Elizabeth Bishop

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

-- Dylan Thomas

I don't know why I'm writing about loss so much. I don't even know why I am in such a mood, but this poetry is certainly reflective of it.

so i voted today... yayyy!!! and now i've fulfilled my civic duty... then i linked up with a ton of friends on facebook.. so that was good as well.. now, i only have to work out then go to work and i'll be done for day.. quite simple.. but i really don't wanna go to work.. bigwigs comin in today is enough to make anyone reluctant.. and i'm not in the mood to show off my skills either.. aarrrggghhhh... I can't wait to leave this cursed job and get back on track.. and i need to get my hair retwisted, but must find the time to somehow work it into my schedule.. AAArrrrggghhhh!!!!!

So I'm good.. like really good.. and i'm tryin some new fitness program.. i wanna apply to be a FT career firefighter/emt and see how that goes.. maybe if i go down that path, i'll finally have time to take my sciences post-bac and then finally be able to pursue a masters and go on to medical school.. but the key is for me to actually get out of my current job into one that is more challenging and enjoyable.. so that's the general plan.. but let's see if it actually happens.. i have to do an assload of training to get that far..

anywho, i've let all of my personal drama go and i feel pretty good.. it's like water off of a duck's back, nothin's botherin me anymore. i'm tryin to get more active on facebook so that i can find new and interesting ways of stayin in contact with old friends.. or just the usual link-up.. and damn it's late.. why the heck am i not in bed yet?

shit, i've got work in a few hours..

peace out..

h

Ya know, if I was back in JA right now, I'd say something like "damn, i haven't even been on this damn site since whoppy killed phillip" or some equally interesting, yet confusing, phrase.. it has been long hasn't it.. so many things happen, and I refuse to to write anything about them, and make them into a permanent record of [my] failings, or successes depending on your perspective. Right now, i'm once again hunting for jobs because I find myself utterly dissatisfied with the way things are right now. Both ro and i are pushing for so much more, but seemingly headed nowhere.. who knows? we've had so many positive affirmations for our relationship that it's been pretty encouraging, but at the same time no progress has really been made.. damn, i freakin hate journals.. and i feel pressured to actually write sequentially rather than in my haphazard train of thought.. i wonder if i'm headed for a breakdown or something.. i'm so far beyond exhausted that i can barely see straight.. i've had 2 glasses of red wine, 1 glass of brandy sangria, and 3 soco limes. I'm buzzed, yet not drunk.. past horny and now just freakin exhausted.. at least i've stopped slurring my words tho.. that's a positive thing to note..

i so desperately want to start afresh and really write down my thoughts in this journal.. or maybe i should create another journal and tell no one about it, and then have the freedom to commit my deepest thoughts and fears there.. or i guess i could just make those thoughts private..

why am i rambling? this is my first freakin entry in months and i choose to ramble about inconsequential details.. what a bloody waste of space..

i think it's time for my nap.

peace out.

H

So I haven't updated in a while.. 'tis a shame because some noteworthy things have happened.. My locs are growing and even though I'm still facing the oppressive and depressive combined forces of my grandparents absolute uncomprising hatred of my locs, I am still going strong and even more determined to keep the hair that I am completely proud of, for the first time in my life..

Well, that was the good update.. unfortunately, I"ve got a bad update.. Ro and I have been together for six years, as of tomorrow.. I can't believe it.. Happy Anniversary to us.. $100 says he forgets all about tomorrow.. anyway, you'd think after all of the ups and downs that at this point, we've finally passed everyone else and are in a league of our own.. no one can touch us.. we're that perfect couple.. well, tht's what i thought.. but nope.. remember a couple years ago when I wrote about ro's reaction to my hood piercing? well, we've come to the point where I want another piercing, a labret, and i am again facing ro's opposition. He apparently does not find facial piercings to be attractive and therefore does not want me to get one.. So what should I do, when it is something that i very much want for myself? I've wanted this for a couple years now, but didn't get it before because frankly, I didn't think i was strong enough to face all of my conservative family being against me. But now, I am slowly finding myself and learning to rely on myself more and more and I am no longer willing to sacrifice pieces of myself or anything that is important to me, just to please or satisfy someone else. To me, it's just not worth the feeling you get when you deny that part of yourself.

Everyday, my grandfather comments on my hair and he always says "look pon me beautiful granddaughter" and he doesn't mean that in the present tense in a flattering way.. No, rather its a disparaging comment on my hair and my former beauty (not that he every told me i was beautiful before.. funny how i find this out in a negative sentence long after the fact, eh?).. it seems that with everything that is important to me, if i want it, i've gotta fight for it.. for every freakin' inch!! My independence (fought for it).. my right to privacy (fought for it!!).. my right to do as I want with my body (fought for it and am still fighting for it!!).. my right to work where i want (fought for it and am still fighting for it!!).. my right to do as i want with my education (fought for it and am still fighting for it!!)..

Even with my lover, who should be my partner in all things, I have to fight for every little bit of independence.. I have to fight for my right to do as I want with my body.. It's not as if I want to do anything drastic, that could possibly hurt him, nope!! I just want a freakin labret piercing and here's what he told me:

1) He's an artist (nothing more, nothing less), and consequently perceives the world only as an artist
2) He HATES facial piercings (i do have a tongue piercing btw)
3) He has male and female friends who have the piercing, but cannot find them attractive (furthermore, if he was single, he could never possibly be attracted to them because he hates their piercings)
4) When I first told him that I wanted this piercing, his first thought was of how horrible it would be to wake up next to me one morning, look at me, and be absolutely repulsed by my appearance because of my piercing..

This all came up in a conversation that we had about an hour ago.

When I asked him whether I was understanding him correctly by interpreting the above statements as him essentially saying that:

1) Because he is only an artist, and is limited by his ability to only find beauty in a small number of very specific things, he will no longer be able to perceive me as just a man loving a woman.. no, he will now only be able to see me as a limited artist viewing an object he doesn't understand, recreate, manipulate, or work with and will therefore find me ugly.

2) He will hate my piercing and will not be able to accept that part of me... so he will no longer find my face attractive..

3) He will now see me in much of the way he sees his friends.. not as his attractive lover, the love of his life, but as just another ugly woman.

4) He will no longer want or be willing to look upon me in the morning because he will be disgusted by my piercing and consequently be disgusted by my entire face..

When I asked him if my understanding of his statements were correct, he said we'll find out tomorrow when I decide whether or not to get the labret piercing. He did not refute any of the statements.. He did not try to argue.. He did not try to fight for me.. He essentially said, "Bitch, do it and suffer consequences." Yes, folks.. Right now, as depressed and disappointed as I am in him ( I have been very disappointed in him in the last few months), I can find one little bit of humor in this situation. Just yesterday, I was speaking with Osa (a mutual friend of ours), and I told him that I was ecstatic.. practically still walking on cloud nine from our last time together.. Ro and I had had a couple of really big fights this year and we worked our way through them, and I was so proud that we've come this far.. Others who had seen us together commented on how great of a couple we are when they heard of some of our experiences and the fact that we still made it through them together.. Our priorities were right and they were together.. we knew what we wanted from our bright futures.. We talked about our love.. our passions.. maybe living together within the year.. we discussed how to make things work between us.. and then, i told Osa that after all of this, I had finally accepted the fact that I want to marry Ro.. It was something I gave a lot of thought to after being together for a few years.. I thought that I finally found someone.. and while I realize that no relationship is perfect, I can't believe the irony of the situation.. shortly after I say that, we come to this impasse, where my boyfriend of 6 years has essentially given me an ultimatum.. "get this piercing and i may leave you"... whether he said it out of pride.. because he wasn't thinking or because he was tired.. maybe because he wants to test me.. I don't know.. But I am so tired of everyone tryin to dictate my actions in MY LIFE!!! and I am tired of the people I love most in this world fighting with me every day!! And I am tired of fighting for things that are important to me, with no support!! So, on the eve of the day where I should be celebrating six years of togetherness and love, i am trying to let the thought sink in that on my anniversary, I may become a single woman (who will then have plenty of options when she hits up the club friday and saturday night), I may also potentially lose my lover and my best friend, and that my life, my ability to love and trust may never ever be the same again.. If he decides to end this relationship, I will move on.. maybe to better things.. maybe I will find my soulmate.. someone who doesn't push me and test me just to determine my love... maybe i'll find someone worse.. but I will move on..

I've fought so freakin hard for everything, that this will just be one more fight... at this point, the one thing that reassures me is that it will not be my failure, but rather his.. and it will be his loss, not my own.. his decision will really show what kind of person he is..

It's funny that as he was speaking, almost like an audio overlay, I kept hearing this country hick kinda twangy voice saying "i just don't like niggers and that's all there is to it.. now, don't get me wrong, i'll talk to them.. and heck, i even see a a couple niggers in my church.. but i don't want none of my kinfolk 'sociating with 'em, and i'll see every last one of 'em in hell before i let my chilluns marry one o' dem coons..." I kid you not.. i was walking home and as he was speakin to me, that voice with those hateful words kept echoing through my head.. Suddenly, I kept visualizing people with multiple body mods, people of different races, and different sexual orientations all suffering because of the attitude of bigots and racists and people who just HATE.. And then I remembered words that have always been true for me.. words that i recently spoke.. I find it hard to separate the person from their looks.. I could care less about what a person looks like.. I'm attracted to their soul, their personality, the essence of what makes them who they are.. you can see all of that after spending several hours with a person if you're willing to look past the surface, past what they often want you to see..

Even my own boyfriend.. I wasn't physically attracted to him at first.. I saw him as just another black guy.. but noticed that he was skinny but had a really big butt.. But as I got to know him better, I began to be attractive with the person that I knew him to be.. I fell in love with a tormented soul.. and I suppose this is my punishment.. I am now in torment, and truthfully, have been for a while now..

that's my depressing personal drama.. i don't even want to talk about it anymore.. right now, i need to ignore the damage to my personal life and focus on the life of another.. my mother's bf's kid is having personal issues.. very serious ones and my mother wants me to tlak to him.. it could mean life or death for him evidently and i refuse to think about how stressed this is making me.. instead i'm tryin to channel some of my thoughts towards what i can say to help him out.. to let him know that i care, and that i'll support him even when everyone else has turned their back on him..

Right now, I can't help but wish that I had someone like myself in my corner right now, genuinely willing to support me through it all..

One really is the loneliest number...

and damnit, that asshole really did give me a headache... grrrr!!! it's times like these where i thank God for the physical distance between us, because if he was here right now, i would so kick his ass for the headache that i must now suffer through..

Good grief.. I haven't updated in months.. Damn.. yeah, that's gotta change.. I have so much to write about, yet so little time to write it out.. And now, I've got to stop writing because i'm at work and actually have loads to do.. I'll try to update.. hmmm.. next week? My internet connection is down and will be so for one more week as i switch to FIOS. I CAN'T WAIT to be reconnected.. --sigh--

i'll update later..

Henny :o)

Sometimes, I placed a few fingers just to the side of my windpipe to feel the strong steady beat of my carotid and marvel at this thing called life. I'm alive and it feels so good. I haven't had any near-death experiences, lately.. well at least none that i know of. I can't stop touching my skin. I'm warm, I'm alive, I'm healthy, I'm free from deformity..

you may wonder at that last part, but I was just reading up on the Minamata disaster, and the more I read about these environmental disasters, the more I wonder at everything.. i wonder at our own government and if some of us are more like guinea pigs than others.. Look to Bhopal even.. It seems like members of any government are willing to trade lives for economic prosperity, and "growth and progress." It breaks my heart to believe that individuals don't see people when they look around. But rather, acceptable casualties all in the name of progress. It truly breaks my heart.

But i sit here touching myself, grateful that i have not yet experienced that kind of betrayal from my government. The war, in and of itself is a kind of betrayal. One that does not personally affect myself, but has affected some of those that I know. And feeling powerless to stop the war, or to have stopped "his" election into office does nothing to ease my guilty conscience of being attached to a warring nation. Funny how quickly we've become the hypocritic "evildoers" our leader speaks against.

The more I read and slowly lose the security of ignorance, the more I almost wish I never knew the things that I am presently aware of. I don't really want to be a citizen of this nation anymore. I would like to move to a country not so intent on "progress" if it means destroying human lives as well as our environment. I am not a tree-hugger by any means. But I do want to have something to retire to. I want to hand something precious and natural down to my children and their own, and so on. I don't want to be afraid to eat or drink or breathe for fear of being slowly poisoned by the actions of my commander in chief. I dont' want to keep fearing retribution for all of the pain our nation has caused others. Most of all, i suppose I don't want to be part of a nation that can't recognize the importance of diversity in every aspect of it's politics and initiatives. I don't even feel like a second-class citizen in this country.

When your'e afraid of getting pulled over by a cop because you dont' want to be like Rodney King.. or get peppered by 41 bullets like Mr. Diallo.. It's bloody unfair.. I look at documentaries by Michael Moore and by Morgan Spurlock and I just sit back and wonder at injustice. You can shoot us, or poison us with cheap food. You can fill your quotas by having us on boards, or you can put our sellouts on your boards, and give us a false sense of having some power and control. SEeing it reminds me of minstrel shows that i thought ended a long time ago, but i still manage to see it every day in national politics. And it makes me angry, but it really hurts. Wanna know what hurts more? Thinking of my southern brethren who are so in love with the concept of a religious man in office that they can't see that he's the devil incarnate spouting scripture like a fanatic- hellbound I hope, for all that he has done and continues to do. And those who gave him the power to do as he does dont' even realize what they have done to our nation.

I marvel again at the feel of my skin wondering why and how so much has changed. Why am I in this generation? Why do I feel guilty for something I had no part of and have consistently been against? Why do I feel the need to write this here when I haven't written anything in so long? I dont' know. I'm tired. But I'm so happy to be here. To be working. To be alive. To have my health and the love of my family and the man who has become my world. I"m trying to see the beauty at the horizon, and instead I sometimes feel like I'm a few minutes too late and all I can see is sky indistinguishable from the area below it in this opaque blackness.

I'm not depressed or really sad right now. I suppose I'm just being nostalgic for what was, and for what will now never be, because we've allowed the popularity contests we hated so much in high school to continue on in the political arena. Except, it's not just affecting a couple hundred kids this time. Nope. It's affecting every member of this country. The only people who benefit from this "leadership" are the upper 20 or so % while the rest of us see what started off as bad become progressively worse. I suppose I'll know that times have hit an all time low when you have to actually pay to live near clean air, or a non-toxic area. And that not only will you have to pay, but you'll have to pay sums of money so freakin' high, we'll see mass genocide of the poorer people, maybe large minorities. Hispanics will go from being the new majority, to being damn near extinct, and I can't even think of what will already happen to the majority of urban blacks already ill from the stress and pressure from life as it already is.

My granny would always say "the Lahd soon come" and I would think to myself that folks have been talkin about the coming of Christ since he rose up from the grave and he still ain't come yet. But the more I look around me, and the more that I see the futility in hoping that man can overcome selfishness and this destructiveness, the more I want the Lord to come and take me and all of those that I love up to heaven to be in peace and to not have to worry about breathing because I'll be at peace whether I do or not. To wish for world peace would be to wish that God would come and take his children up to heaven, leaving the "real evildoers" behind to fend for themselves and let the devil take 'em all.

Sounds horrible don't it? I dont' even know where that has come from. I suppose that it's from reading about tragedy after tragedy and feeling freakin impotent. That's a new feeling for me, being a woman and all. I dont' know what else to say. Sometimes, I feel like pain is the regeneration of sorrow, and that's what I'm feeling right now. Pain in so many forms. Nothing's broken, but my heart... my heart is forever changed.. and my mind is shutting everything out.. I hope I'll feel better by the time I get home... if I can truly ever get there at all...

I finally began the locking process. I've wanted locs for so long, i can't even remember when it went from being a simple matter of principle to an inner drive spawning a change in my life. I spoke with my mom and showed her my compiled research on beginning them and maintaining them and the whole process. I even showed her articles I found by people on their struggles in the work force, but also their joys. The end result was the she supported my decision and respected the fact that this isnt' a fad for me, but a lifetime commitment complete with an attitude change, so she did my locs for me and here go photos of the process. I'll try to post photos of my hair every month so that I can trace the evolution of my locs and even help anyone else who may have questions.

First, here I am before beginning the locking process ( Natty gal ) ( with pure nattiness )

Here I am as I try comb out some of my hair that has already started locking ( lawd Gawd ) I can't even tell you how bloody painful that was..

Finally, the method that we settled on was the comb twists. We realize that it takes longer to lock, but it is pretty and stylish. I like the photos that I've seen of others who have used this method. I also spoke with a loctician who upon seeing my hair told me that she would not backcomb, but that the two methods she would use in my hair would either be the comb twists or the two-stranded twists. My mom started my hair off with the finger twists, but because it took so long and so much energy, we ended up going with the comb twists. And here's how it went ( in the beginning... ), ( more than halfway done ), ( almost done ) and sporting a nice semi mohawk as you can see.

Finally after about 2 hours, my hair is ( complete ) and that's exactly ( :o) ): ( COMPLETE! )

'Nuff love and respect.

Your newly natty sister,

Shea :o)

( Before ) and ( After )